I wasn’t sure I was going to post the companion to this month’s episode of Whine & Wine because, well, it didn’t feel very holiday-ish. But then,I realized it may be exactly the epiphany needed as we turn that final corner into a season that is filled with exaltation, jubilation, and moments not to be forgotten.
Why? Because it is a season also ripe with moments that cause relational rifts.
In this month’s episode of Whine & Wine, we took a deep dive into the importance of Bullshit Buddies. As a reminder, this blog is rated PG-30, meaning there is a high chance that those under-30 will be aggravated by it. Still, the over-30 crowd will appreciate a less liberal use of that term, “Bullshit Buddies,” so…let’s tweak that for today.
Poppycock Pals? No, too European. Rubbish Referees? No, not that either. Malarky Meters? Not bad but doesn’t quite roll off the tongue. Baloney Buddies? Don’t love it but don’t hate it either and having spent the last two days trying to nail this down…let’s just roll with it.
In reality, the truth will sometimes hurt. In an altered reality, the truth is sometimes altered quite drastically, which is exactly why a Baloney Buddy is essential.
What is a Baloney Buddy?
Typically, a Baloney Buddy is a friend or loved one who cares enough about you to correct your course when it’s gone astray. A Baloney Buddy is someone willing to share endless magical moments with you but who is also willing to accept the anger that may come when they call you out for, well, doing or saying something that feels off.
These uncomfortable conversations are a dying art, killed off by the rise of affirmation therapy, a dangerous trend in which every feeling or perception was instantly labeled as absolutely appropriate to feel, regardless of its validity.
We’ve all been there, right? On one side or the other?
A friend who suddenly ghosts you. A family member is suddenly removed from the Christmas Card list. A member of your core group suddenly disappears from that core group.
It seems odd but not that odd until you dig into the “why” and discover that the reasons or stories or whatever is being shared are not only inaccurate, are not only embellished, they are straight false. A few decades ago, that would have been reversed quite quickly as a Baloney Buddy (parent, friend, co-worker) stepped in with a firm, “Get a grip–that’s not how it happened and you know that.” And, if that didn’t work, that same Baloney Buddy would have demanded a sit down with all parties involved (even those that didn’t know they were involved) offering themselves up as a mediator to right the course.
Today?
Today, Baloney Buddies are quite unwelcome, thank you very much, as correction of incorrect narratives is, well, unwelcome. Misery loves company, right? Why would we welcome anyone who might diminish our misery?
Spoiler alert: Just because it’s your narrative doesn’t mean it’s true.
Those who sit in my age group, raised in the 70s and 80s, grew up with a more brutal type of honesty. Our mothers rarely sugarcoated anything so our false narratives were stomped out as quickly as their Virginia Slims. No surprise that we opted to raise our kids with a more gentle approach which…unfortunately got away from us, causing the pendulum to swing way too far the other direction.
We raised our kids to be so empathetic that the thought of confronting anyone over anything causes their anxiety to skyrocket and landing them in the camp of “Better to just not say anything at all than feel that uncomfortable.” Welcome to the world of validating all feelings all the time, even if they are made up.The dangerous output has been a normalization of embellishment, lies, and broken relationships.
How do we bring back the Baloney Buddy? With delicacy, I suppose. With delicacy and empathy and a quest to unearth the actual truth in lieu of nodding along to stories that we know are not true and sound more like the tale of someone who simply needs a Snickers.
It’s about challenging our friends or family rather than giving them an unlimited pass on absurdity. Growth comes at the edge of discomfort, and a good Baloney Buddy will take their friends and family to the edge of that discomfort.
Does it suck? Sometimes.
But if the result of that discomfort is preserving important relationships that may otherwise be tossed out like last week’s garage then, isn’t it worth it?
Listen to this month’s entire episode of Whine & Wine on your favorite podcast provider today or click here to head directly to the episode: Apple Podcasts | Spotify Podcasts.