Are you Team TPA or TAG?
I am fully committed to team TPA.
Team TPA? Tampa International Airport. Team TAG? Team Anything Goes.
Over the last few months, Tampa International Airport has dropped a few tongue-in-cheek fashion tips to travelers, and I am fully on board with putting those suggestions in stone.
The first was a quick blurb about a changing TSA policy allowing passengers to keep their shoes on, but with a tip of the hat to those wearing Crocs:
It was all in good fun, but maybe not taken as all in good fun for those committed to their beloved Crocs.
The follow-up request was to make TPA the first pajama-free airport:
Hallelujah, but again, this was not taken well by those standing firm on a personal pledge to wear pajamas in public. I guess, for some, TPA’s jokes hit a little too close to home (ironically, where Crocs and pajamas belong).
I’m Team TPA all damn day, fully committed to the push to put a touch of class back in travel.
Because I travel frequently, I have the (dis)pleasure of seeing all kinds of classless behavior in airports, and let me tell you, Crocs and pajamas are just the start. I often wonder, as I’m making my way through TSA or to my gate or to the boarding line, if I’m the only one who has ever ventured into a public space before.
I’ve come to expect to witness certain behaviors and, when they appear, it’s a fight not to scream “BINGO!” at the top of my lungs as if strolling through the concourse was a board game.
Wait, should we make this a bingo game? My proposed squares include, but are not limited to, the following:
The Couldn’t Count-er
For those new to air travel, you are typically permitted to bring two items onto the plane: one carry-on that will travel in the overhead bin above your seat and one personal item that will live under the seat in front of you.
This concept of “one” is surprisingly difficult for many travelers so I can only assume that they have never been on a plane before.
On a recent trip to Orlando, I watched a gentleman board with six full-size carry-on suitcases.
He was traveling with his wife and small child, so the math should have mathed to three carry-ons and three personal items, but this was not that. This was six suitcases. I was (not) blessed to be in the same boarding group as this family and, soon learned, in the same row.
I boarded after this suitcase tribe because Douche McGee’s elbows were bigger than mine, thus enabling him to get to the front of the line by shoving everyone else out of the way, including his family. I watched as he stopped at Row 4 and loaded all six suitcases into the overhead bins, putting three above his seats and three in the overhead bin above my seat.
My suitcase, therefore, was relegated to an overhead bin a few rows behind me along with those belonging to my two seatmates (a woman and her young child).
Should the airline have insisted that three of Mr. McGee’s suitcases be gate-checked? Yes. Did they? No, but I get it. Causing chaos in the boarding process is always the last thing one should do.
A delightful sidebar? Karma came twice for this man.
As he and his family buckled in, Mr. McGee’s wife announced that he’d forgotten an additional bag (number seven, for those counting) that included their daughter’s iPad. This caused Douche McGee to jump up and elbow his way off the plane while ignoring the flight attendant telling him that he could not exit. When he did return, just before the plane’s door was closed, it was with an exasperating tale of being prevented from (re)boarding because he had already scanned in. #thoughtsandprayers
Later, as our plane was preparing to land, I whispered a game plan to my seatmates that included blocking Mr. McGee so that we could more easily retrieve our suitcases from the overhead bin behind us. Did I wink while mapping out the situation? Maybe. Did it work? Yes, we were able to exit before the McGees, though still able to hear the exasperating tales of how he needed to get his belongings.
The Famished Flyer
For those new to air travel, it is every airport’s policy that you arrive two hours prior to your flight’s departure.
Unless traveling for a pop-up emergency, it is likely that your flights were booked months in advance. Because your flights were booked months in advance, you know months in advance what time you should arrive at the airport (two hours prior to your departure time).
There is never a need to board an airplane with a freshly cooked, four-course meal. Ever.
Eat before you leave home. Eat in that two hour waiting window while staring at your gate. Eat before you board.
If you’re leery that “two hours prior” won’t be enough time, arrive earlier. No one is stopping you.
There is never a need to traipse through an airplane with a number seven from McDonalds or an onion-laden hoagie or a three-pack of microwaved fish tacos.
By design, airplane fuselages are sealed units. That’s intentional. The intent, however, is not to encourage a single passenger to subject the rest to the lingering, raunchy smell of onion rings for hours.
If your arrival math was off (and I’ve been there), head to the Hudson and grab a bag of nuts or a smoothie or a Kind bar or anything at all that hasn’t been reheated to death.
The Space Swindler
For those new to air travel, you may be surprised at the inability to spread out once seated on your flight. Deal with it respectfully.
As a short person, I am often subjected to full-sized, adult men, helping themselves to my personal space as if my small stature entitles them to ooze into my bubble. Clearly, they have no idea that I will turn into a post-menopausal spider monkey without warning.
Most commonly, I am subjected to a seatmate tucking their foot under the bag (my bag) I’ve tucked under the seat in front of me as if I set it there to keep their toes warm.
Head, shoulders, knees and toes? Keep them between the imaginary lines that flow from your arm rests. Nobody wants to feel a stranger’s thigh rubbing on theirs. Nobody wants to feel a stranger’s elbow setting up camp in their abdomen. Nobody wants to sit at a 45-degree angle because you see nothing wrong with encroaching.
Reel it in; We’re all paying to be uncomfortable.
The Tote Bag Traveler
For those new to air travel, a tote bag is not the way to transport your life’s belongings.
Everything. Will. Fall. Out. Everything.
Your tote bag is either going to go into the overhead or under the seat in front of you. Either way, if you are carrying everything you own in a recyclable grocery bag, everything you own will fall out at some point during your flight. Remember, you purchased your tickets months in advance. That means you had months to borrow a bag with a zipper. You also had months to figure out what you’d pack and how to pack it so maybe fold a few items before shoving them into the bag.
I know, not everyone loves a backpack, including me. In real life, I never use a back pack. In travel life, I do. Why? Because a long, long time ago I was the Totebag Traveler and half of my belongings took a high speed journey to the front of the plane after a bouncy landing, zigging and zagging under the seats in front of me and well, I felt like an idiot calling out for my Blackberry, Kodak Funsaver, and Sony headphones.
The Bewildered Boarder
For those new to air travel, boarding will be completed in groups based on where your seat assignment is located. You have a seat. You do not have to rush the line the moment the boarding door opens.
You could even wait until everyone else boards and your seat will still be there. I know this because I do it often. Why rush to get crammed into a tin can for several hours? This drives my husband bananas.
While you patiently wait for your group to be called, do get out your boarding pass. You will need it to scan in while boarding and you will have had access to it for a whole twenty-four hours prior to the moment your group is called. Don’t show up at the scanner without it as you will forget how to operate your hands, fingers, and brain in the panic to find it.
The Speaker Sharer
For those new to air travel (or grocery shopping, or the gym, or being in public ever), nobody wants to hear your phone calls, videos, or TikToks. If you don’t already own a pair of earbuds (and why wouldn’t you?), buy a pair immediately. If not now, then definitely before your next flight.
A few months ago, I spent five hours on a plane flying from Atlanta to Calgary next to an adult human watching videos out loud for the entire flight. Well, mostly the entire flight. This adult human was surely a Millenial, minimum so I was confident that he had knowledge of earbuds though, evidently, zero knowledge of common courtesy.
I was very mature and did resist the urge to ask him to stop the noise pollution until he stopped watching videos to…answer a phone call. He answered a phone call while we were in the air and my patience shattered like a turbulent tossed tote bag.
Sure, he may only have put in his earbuds to drown out my voice but, hey, take the win, right?
On a similar note, there is never a need to take or make a call once you pass through the boarding door. Ever. Sure, phones have given us 24/7 accessibility, but they’ve also taken away our sense of “Maybe now is not the time” everywhere (like at the grocery store, at the gym, etc).
If you are on anywhere near a plane, now is not the time to take that phone call and it is most certainly not the time to take that call on speaker.
You are not that important. Sorry.
Free Square: The Middle Person
For those new to air travel, know that no one ever intentionally picks the middle seat.
The middle seat is the most miserable seat and is often relegated to those who forgot to select their seat prior to check-in or those who simply couldn’t afford to purchase an aisle or window. Have mercy on the middle seat passenger as they are truly taking one for the traveling team.
Reward them with kindness and both arms rests and unlimited passes to the bathroom.
What would you add to the Airport Bingo Board?
I find it a bit ironic that so many complain about the cost of air travel but then show up in their grandpa’s nursing home hand-me-downs. Air travel is expensive, so shouldn’t we naturally approach it with a little more class? We wouldn’t book a table at a Michelin Star restaurant and arrive in a pair of holey sweatpants, stained tank top, and bedroom slippers, would we?
Long ago, air travel truly was for the rich, and the passenger outfits and attitudes represented that. Thankfully, air travel is for everyone today but good grief, can we swing it back just a little bit closer to the days when dressing decently for travel was the norm? I’m not saying tuxedos and ball gowns, but maybe button pants and loafers.
My husband and I took a flight to California a few years ago, and a fellow passenger showed up with an ankles-to-elbows, one-piece bodysuit. While it did not fit well, it may have been fine had she not opted to accessorize with a pair of thong underwear over the bodysuit. That was not as fine, nor was the spillage of her chesticles, which allowed full exposure of the top half of her nipples. It was impossible not to look, making it a bit ironic when this woman snapped a harsh “What are you looking at?” to anyone caught doing so.
Look, lady, you did this. Don’t blame the folks around you for collectively wondering why.