Welcome to round two of a low-key dive into the world of No Contact Kids. Read round one, here.
The continued encouragement of “no contact” declarations is dangerous, devastating, and, often, unjustified. It is further amplified by the few therapists who applaud the decision while knowing nothing about the circumstances. As is common, those few therapists are the loudest, leading many to believe that their stance must be the correct one. We live in an era, after all, where the loudest, most vocal people must be the experts because why else would they be so confident in their ALL CAPS proclamations?
This umbrella certainly doesn’t cover all therapists, nor am I suggesting that there aren’t unique circumstances where “no contact” should be deemed essential.
So, how did we get to an era in which misguided therapists applaud slammed doors rather than providing productive problem solving? Can we blame it on the pandemic? The pandemic is still my favorite go-to for fault and I do think it applies here. It was during the pandemic, after all, that affirmation therapy really took off as the mental health community struggled to keep up with the influx of patients navigating a really scary and uncertain time.
It makes sense, I suppose.
Throughout 2020, I suspect many therapists felt like they were playing emotional whack-a-mole with their clients, simply trying to keep an overflowing caseload afloat while conducting sessions over the phone or via video chats. It’s not that the mental health community thought affirmation therapy was a great approach; it’s that it offered a feasible way to stop the mental bleeding in a struggling population.
I imagine many therapists did whatever they could to survive, with a caveat of “We can fix it later, when things settle down” bouncing around in their heads.
Today, there has been a return to therapy plans that involve effective communication, problem-solving, relationship building, and encouraging the exploration of uncomfortable feelings or topics. However, there are still those that remain firmly implanted in a therapeutic world that is devoid of actual problem-solving and encourages strict, no-questions-asked boundaries. It sounds like a great gig, honestly, collecting an hourly fee to simply sit in agreement with patient after patient after patient.
Wait, I have a couch in my office. Should I hang out a shingle? I’m happy to collect a healthy fee to go along with whatever my guests say.
The internet remains the most popular therapist on the planet and is home to endless gateways of affirmation-anything. Social media has become a springboard for immediate validation, no matter how wild the story. In less than three clicks, a new, digital family can be found, pushing surfers to toss loved ones aside in lieu of a keyboard-tribe willing to agree with anything they ask. It is an absolutely perfect no-contact petri dish.
But really, what’s the big deal? What’s the big deal with going no contact?
Well, for one, it’s dangerous, devastating and, often, unjustified. Beyond that, it’s not healthy. It stunts emotional maturity and growth. It reinforces the snowflake belief of “If I don’t like something or someone, I shouldn’t have to engage with it/them.” It encourages a life built around the premise of throwing a tantrum and taking one’s toys home.
I know, I know. I can hear the grumbles of disagreement as readers double down on what going no contact gives them. I get it, really. That sense of satisfaction and control is wonderful. The problem is, it’s only temporary. The other problem? What the no-contact approach takes away far outweighs the blip of relief you’re feeling right now.
Perspective: A declaration of no contact is a declaration of honoring only one perspective. It leaves zero space for understanding, acceptance, or forgiveness, holding only your own perspective as accurate. I find this ironic as the trending no-contact age group prides itself on understanding, acceptance, and forgiveness, but only if it applies to their specific emotional state. It’s convenient and comfortable, yes, but it’s not sustainable.
Problem Solving. A dismissal of contact is a dismissal of problem solving. It removes the responsibility to participate in finding resolution through conversations, compromise, and a working path forward. These skills are all essential to functioning within society itself, well beyond the four walls that no contact individuals are turning their backs from. Historically, these skills are mastered at home (a safe training ground) before being applied in schools, marriages, careers, or dealing with your internet provider’s customer service rep.
Reduced Offense. Going no contact doesn’t reduce offense; it increases it tenfold. We have an entire population able to find offense everywhere that is now using no contact as its security blanket. How can a population offended by everything actually be offended by anything? It’s like relying on someone with no tongue to tell you how something tastes. How can we trust the offense-meter of a population who finds everything offensive? Those are real questions. Tell me, please.
Relief: The guise that no contact provides emotional relief is a huge selling point, except it’s entirely false. It is quite common for no-contact individuals to continue to maintain just enough contact to ensure that their loved ones are unable to move onto a new reality. There is also stress in maintaining the role of the victim, especially when it requires constantly doctoring one’s history to fit the narrative. We learned long ago that meeting our now-no-contact kid’s friends (or their friend’s parents, a very normal part of grade school life) was off the table. Why? We were not and are not the characters she’s created. Our mannerisms, social class, stories, etc. don’t match her shared narrative.
Why all the deep dives?
Well, despite the recent negative press on parents of no-contact kids, the majority of us want nothing more than to exit the roller coaster. We are willing to do the work and offer space for understanding, acceptance, or forgiveness. We always have been. The stink of it is that roller coaster’s exit door is a moving target, shifted each time we spot it in the distance. That has been our biggest revelation in recent years; we will always be allowed to see the exit door, but we will never be allowed to go through it.
There is a quiet relief in understanding that.
Two decades ago, when my husband’s first marriage was ending, he was given some advice that has bubbled up again today. In time, he was told, it becomes obvious who the problem is in failed relationships because one of you is willing to do the work while the other will balk. One will be invested in learning, growing, and accepting fault while the other will remain stagnant. That is how you will know who the problem is.
There is a quiet relief in understanding that.