Aaah, Dating.

Someone was kind (?) enough to remind me of last March’s speed dating escapade – and that ‘oh so funny’ quip I wrote about it.  The quip being the only good thing to come out of the night.  In honor of the anniversary of that night approaching (hey, lay off, I have nothing else to celebrate)…here it is in re-runs….

Now for the history (in case you live under a rock)…my dating life is a rotation of effort and evasion.  During the effort phases, I equate it to trying on bikinis.  Every day.  While bloated.  Which then leads to evasion as I decide there is no point in purposely beating myself up over and over. 

Oh yeah, I’ve tried the ‘business deal’ method – dating with the attitude that it’s really just about deal making.  I’m not good at that either.  I’ve tried all the websites, the local meet-ups, the friends of friends…and finally the speed dates.  Which is what the story below covers.  Yes, it is a year old – but it still makes me laugh and gives me an excuse to remain on the fence.

March 14, 2009:
“Sometimes I get tired of all of you asking “Why are you single? You’re SO great!” Yeah, I know I’m great, okay?  So, now and then as a thank-you for the props, I’ll throw you a bone. Saturday night, I went Speed Dating. Just for you.

19 dates in two hours. 19 break ups later…

Here are some of the gems (names changed, obviously. I’m great, not cruel. No, wait, that might not be true either).

Mr. Whitters: So named because when he asked where I moved here from and I said, “Outside of Philadelphia.” His reply was “Oh, do you know Mr. Whitters?”. Of course I answered yes so as not to destroy his pipedreams of only two people living in Pennsylvania.

Ricky A: His handshake was SO feminine that I thought I came to the wrong event.

Ricky B: When a man starts with “I have two cats that I adore…” send up the red flag.

Nutjob: Obese man describing his pilates and yoga workouts. All I could think is “I wonder how often he farts in the Warrior Pose”

My Ex Wife is Sick: He started by trying to be all hip about an event going on at another bar and how annoying it was to get parking. When I explained that the event was a fundraiser for children with cancer…he justified himself by pointing out that his ex-wife is in Chemo right now. But she lives down the street so he is still able to take care of her.

Drugs: When I asked what he did for a living (okay, I said, “So what do YOU do?”). His answer was “Drugs.” No elaboration. Just awkward silence…

Ling: The cute little Chinese man first tried to convince me he was from South Africa. Here’s the thing though (and I confirmed this later). No one could understand a WORD he was saying. I started just throwing out answers hoping that I was answering some of his questions.

Figaro: Everybody’s seen the guy with the shirt buttoned too low and a giant gold chain peeking out through the chest hair. Although, to be honest, it was my first experience coming from a guy with a wicked southern drawl.

To be fair, there were a few cool guys there. I even opted to meet a few. Obviously they didn’t pick me – otherwise I wouldn’t be so bitter. As always, I made new friends with a few girls. No, I’m not getting on the other swing…I’m just saying…wtf?”
Today’s phase is evasion – obviously that could change at the drop of “I know this great guy” by anyone I encounter.  But, two things recently came up ~ 
1.  I was sad not to have to go to Physical Therapy anymore because I was going to miss the male contact and thus a reason to shave my legs regularly. 
2.  I started looking at my Facebook Friends with a “wait a minute, how does so-and-so have a relationship and I don’t?” attitude.

When I start picking on my virtual friends or considering stalking medical professionals…I figure it might be time for a break.  Which is always easier said than done – so many people tell me ‘you’ll find him when you stop looking!’ that whenever I stop looking, I actually keep looking because that’s when I’ll find him, right? 

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