As we enter another season of all the things, I can already feel the tension rising in our blended home.
This is not new, of course.
One of the struggles in a blended family is the constant vying for that slippery “Parent of the Moment” trophy in a family unit that includes a variety of parents and definitely more than those two traditional ones. In today’s blended world of custody splits that are (thankfully) much more equal, that often means tapping into those extra parental resources for help with the day-to-day activities of shared children.
This is good, of course.
This can also be the unintended catalyst for territory wars.
As always, I do not speak for every parent, traditional or otherwise. Or maybe I do? I suppose at this juncture, I do, can, and will speak for many stepmothers.
We do not want territory wars.
Less stress? Yes. Perhaps a whisper of acknowledgment? Also yes. Pissing wars? Most of us will take a firm pass as they only make an awkward role even more awkward.
Future stepmoms do not typically slide into blended relationships with dreams of becoming fully involved in all the things, but we do it. Stepmoms are here for the good of the tribe and carry the best of intentions. Oh, yes, and women in general tend to be the lead on a home’s activities.
In our home, the territory wars are often eerily silent…until they are not.
Long ago, I learned that I would have to face those outstretched bio-mom arms, coos, and proud-mama!-posts at the end of soccer games, birthday dinners, or school plays.
I’ve learned to expect those outstretched arms, yes, but I may never come to a place of acceptance as they continue to appear at milestone moments and only when the public is watching. I have no doubt my stepkids’ bio-mom loves them very, very much. I also understand that she desperately needs the world to acknowledge the wins of her children, whether or not she led them there. Understanding or not, it will always be difficult and that drives me bananas.
Each time I find the hair on my arms standing at attention as bio-mom begins fishing for credit, it kicks off a broken-record internal dialogue.
“It’s been twelve years,” I tell myself, “Why does this still poke a nerve?”
“Our kids are old enough now,” I tell myself, “To know where credit is truly due.”
And then I always lock into “credit.” CREDIT.
Is that what I need? A quick word of acknowledgment? Yes, I suppose, isn’t that all parents want? Traditional or otherwise? Just a little nugget of the hard work we’ve taken on, selflessly, to help our charges reach the finish line of all the things? For stepmothers, a need for acknowledgment from their bio-mom partners is quite natural.
We are weeks away from our youngest child’s high school graduation. I’m not sure if bio-mom could name a single teacher let alone the date of the event were it not hand-delivered. Still, there she will be, first in line, with outstretched arms while cooing how proud she is of her little star. I will (as always) stand a few feet away so as not to make the moment awkward, a pit in my stomach as I pretend to wrap up items for the following day’s party.
This party will be a first for us in that it will not be a super-blended event. We are opting for the more common mode of blended operations in which each “half” of our family holds separate functions. For over a decade, whenever we had a celebrated event, it meant everyone came and everyone felt, well, weird. Each of these events was also organized by me–meaning lots of work for little return of enjoyment. Reasons? We had a home, a yard, a bank account, and party-planning skills.
When our eldest graduated from high school, in 2020, celebratory gatherings were governed by social distancing and so, again, we donated our home, funds, and organizing prowess.
I am fully aware that this year’s graduation is not about me, but dammit, can it be just a little about me? I posed this simple request to my husband and child, “Can we have separate celebrations this round? Can we have one event that doesn’t require me to hold my breath for hours? Can we make it a little bit about me?”
I was taken aback when they agreed.
I give credit to my improved ability to use grown-up words in describing the source of my angst rather than the now-retired standard of belting “Because!!!” (Full disclosure: I used to go straight to anger and have spent a lot of time learning to chat more about my actual feelings. Results have been positive)
I’m not sure if this change from the norm has been hand-delivered to bio-mom just yet, but I’m hoping that she will understand. Really. The role of “stepmom” is an odd one as the bios bow up immediately upon your arrival though your arrival may have been with only the best intentions. I doubt I’ll ever understand why “stepmoms” are often seen as a threat when, in reality, we can be a terrific ally.
Credit. I suppose that is one of the biggest missing pieces–a piece that could turn an unnecessarily tumultuous relationship into a thriving one.
“Thanks for being so involved with the school.”
“Appreciate that you took the kids shoe shopping.”
“Thanks for handling this year’s round of the flu.”
“Great job planning that birthday party, soccer sign-ups, field trip, summer camp, etc…”
I continue to remind myself what that acknowledgment would cost our bio-mom as, in our case, it would truly be an admittance of failure to parent. I try to be empathetic and imagine how devastating that would feel to her.
I try. Really, I try.
Still, as we enter another season of celebrating all the things, I can feel the tension rising.