It was a bit of a whirlwind few days that wrapped up a bit of a whirlwind November. Well, I suppose the whirlwind started back on the last weekend in October when, rather than packing up the family to head north for a wedding, we packed up the family to head south for a visit my parents after a rather not-very-cryptic suggestion that, well, it would be best. As it turned out, it was best as we were able to grab some new memories at a time when “new memories” will come less frequently.
That whirlwind of a weekend was followed by:
- A boys’ weekend away (Rich and youngest) which was followed by:
- A weeklong work trip for me (see: FAMbulous) which was followed by:
- A weekend away for Rich (astronomy party in the woods of Western Virginia, who knew that was even a thing) which was followed by:
- A weekend away for me that included:
- a pop-up funeral (wonderful service, CoolKat!).
- a pop-up visit with my parents (my mother had a serious health issue though now seems pointed toward recovery).
- a pop-up pickup of our eldest child from school for Thanksgiving break (okay, not so much a “pop-up” as a reassignment of responsibilities (to me) upon realizing I’d be in their state).
- Was followed by:
- Thanksgiving: Hosted at our house for the first time in a decade because why wouldn’t it be when we were just coming off the above list of whirlwind?
To say that I’m looking forward to a break may be the understatement of the year and I can’t wait until it comes though I’m not quite sure when that will be as we all know that December demands the stamina of an Olympic Decathlete as the whirlwind hits maximum overdrive.
Anyhoo.
Gratitude? Isn’t that the theme this month? I am happy to say that I have gratitude to spare. Enough gratitude, even, to share across a few articles, the first of which is, well, now.
I wanted to share another writer’s ponderings as, when I first read them while sitting in a chair next to my napping mother, I felt so spoken to. It was the day after Mom had settled into the rehabilitation facility she was transferred to after she spent two weeks in the hospital. The starting line was back pain which led to an ambulance ride which led to the discovery of a blood clot pressing into Mom’s spinal cord which led to emergency surgery.
For the record, it is never good when a trip to the ER on a Sunday morning kicks off the quick collection of a surgeon, an anesthesiologist, and a handful of nurses for an unplanned Sunday afternoon activity. In this case, the Sunday afternoon surgery meant that the “fix” was urgent enough to outweigh any of the post-surgical side effects that come with a senior’s visit to the operating room. Happily, Mom came right through the surgery, though an infection did lengthen her hospital stay and kick off a plan to add this rehab facility to her dance card.
When I picked up the newspaper at her bedside, started with an article titled It’s in Times of Adversity When Gratitude Shows Up, written by the paper’s editor, John Nagy. Nagy wrote about the recent loss of his own mother, the events that led up to it, and how it pulled him and his brother closer together. As the messages between the lines revealed themselves, I did feel compelled to put the paper back on the nightstand because, well, why was he speaking directly to me?!? Instead, I kept reading and was enthralled by the account story of how Nagy and his brother had worked together to walk their mother to her next station.
It was beautiful.
The incoming feelings were also identical to the ones I’d gotten the previous day at the funeral of a dear friend’s mother. While listening to both my friend and her sister share stories about those last moments with their mother, I was in awe. Awe is probably not the right word. Maybe by posting, I’ll locate a better one. What I learned, in both cases, is how those end-of-life blips spent with an aging parent will matter more than any other life blips at all. In both cases, these siblings created numerous snapshots that they could not have known that they would really need later and by “later,” I mean sooner than they thought.
I do not have that.
As I sat digesting Nagy’s words, I thought back to that initial text from my father “Mom in ER. Maybe infection.” It wasn’t the text that made my stomach turn–it was the potential of facing my siblings next to her hospital bed that caused anxiety to arrive for an indefinite stay. Wait, are we really that family? Are we that family that includes a variety of incredibly stubborn people holding onto a variety of incredibly stupid reasons not to maintain essential relationships? Oh yes, we are that family.
Breaks and repairs in a family tree are not unusual, of course, as cracks that seem so huge at the time later seem so incredibly small. My family excels at maintaining those cracks as if there will be a great punishment for reconciliation. We are a family sprinkled with members who much prefer being the most right in place of a bit of introspection, trying out a forgiving heart, or simply moving on.
Anyway, gratitude. Where was I headed with this?
I suppose the combination of events (funeral, article, sitting solo at Mom’s bedside) made me think of my own children and how their relationship has already withstood a variety of cracks–too many probably for an 18 and 21-year-old. Yet, together they stand. I am so grateful for that. I am so grateful that, no matter what, they are available to each other for late-night phone calls, when apart, and well-into-the-morning catch-up sessions when reunited. I am grateful that they have had a front-row seat to the deconstruction of a sibling relationship (mine) as it has caused them to make endless promises to each other regarding their own relational future.
It’s not our favorite way of parenting, no, but sometimes, yes, we do seem to hold up a neon sign that says “Do NOT do it this way.”
As we sat around our Thanksgiving table this year, we were prepared for just about anything. It was a true table of misfits: my husband’s mother and father (divorced long ago), my husband’s father’s fiance, and my husband’s half-brother (long story). This is not a group anyone could ever imagine settling into a cup of coffee together, let alone a meal drawn out by endless opportunities to go back for another helping. And yet, there we were for dinner and beyond. Nearly three hours after sitting down for those first bites, we essentially had to break the party up so that those with long drives could be out before the season’s early dusk. It was unexpected. It was wonderful. It is proof that, really, anyone can get past anything and that sometimes life choices should absolutely include forgiveness, introspection, or, simply, moving on.
It was parenting by neon sign, again, except this time it read, “Yes, do it this way.”
To read John Nagy’s take on gratitude, click It’s in Times of Adversity When Gratitude Shows Up . Even if you don’t want to read it, click below as I’m sure clicks count, even in the land of small-town newspapers.