Some quick housekeeping…
This week’s blog is the follow up to the November episode of Whine & Wine. Both the podcast and the blog reference suicide. If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to a friend, family member, or dial/text 988 for help. You are not alone and I mean that. Feel free to reach out.
Be sure to check out Whine & Wine’s Nonsor for this month: Kind Lips. Kind Lips donates 20% of every product purchased to anti-bullying organizations devoted to promoting kindness and creating a world without bullying. Supporting Kind Lips is the perfect entry to grassroots change as it allows us to get involved while staying in our jammies. Head to the Kind Lips website for the story being the lip balm–including just where the words “The Law of Kindness” come from.
So…how’s everybody doing?
It’s been just over a month since many of us felt our world turn upside down, which means it’s been just over a month since many of us started desperately seeking ways to feel better. As I said in There is Work to Be Done, naive or not, many of us felt hope for the first time in ages as we approached the 2024 Election, and then…that hope was ripped right out from under us.
I suppose the good news is that there is good news. Now, many of us are looking for ways to be part of a solution rather than an armchair quarterback. The word “grassroots” has taken off as we realize that positive change does not have to be kicked off via monumental events.
Instead, we are learning that making a difference can happen in small increments–even from those armchairs that are just so stinking comfortable.
On this month’s episode of Whine & Wine, we dug into the polarizing topic of bullying. In the interest of transparency, I admit that I have been rolling my eyes at the word “bullying” for years. Isn’t bullying, after all, just a part of growing up? I have shaken my fist to the sky while mumbling “Kids today!!” many times in response to the narrative of bullying.
And then?
Then I realized I wasn’t paying attention.
I was so lost in my own experiences with bullying (circa the 1970s or 80s) that I missed the difference between bullying then and bullying now.
And, good grief, there are huge and terrifying differences.
Bullying is defined as seeking to hurt, intimidate, or coerce. Types of bullying include physical, verbal, relational, and cyberbullying. While physical bullying is the easiest to spot, the others are often much more harmful. Bullying is typically repeated over and over as many feel unsure of how to stop it.
The clear winner in the “Why bullying is worse for kids today” conversation is the internet. Our keyboards have made us far too comfortable in being unkind. We continue to lean into our First Amendment rights as if we are still living in the 1700s–when engaging that coveted Freedom of Speech meant doing so eye-to-eye. These are not those times.
Would you say that to someone if they were standing right in front of you?
It is both mind-boggling and terrifying that, for some, the answer is a firm, “YES.” Keyboards have made it far too easy to be quite awful those we cannot see eye-to-eye. We have lost our self-control and that loss has now spilled from our keyboards and out into the public, reducing our ability to hold a door open for a stranger, return our grocery cart to the corral, let a car merge at the last minute, or to simply smile at someone passing by.
What if we started simply? What if we started by simply smiling at those passing us by?
What do the words “bullying” and “grassroots” have to do with each other?
Bullying is a venue in which each of us can be part of a solution by making some very small changes in our daily lives. Simply smile? Yes, it can be that easy. We can also start paying attention to the signs that something is not quite right. We all know that moment–the one when we suddenly feel a shift from appropriate to unacceptable. It is within that moment that we can make a positive change.
In other words, if you see (or hear or read) something, say something. Step in. Remove the victim from the situation. De-escalate the bully (if you are able to do so safely). Pull them aside and quietly explain to them why what they did (or said or wrote) was not okay. Bonus points for doing so with a touch of kindness. After all, bullies often bully in response to a personal struggle. Kindness may be just the thing that helps them turn a corner.
If those ugly words or actions most often originate with you, then what? If your typical response to bullying is with laughter or affirmation, then what? In a nutshell, get help.
- Acknowledge that you have tendencies that make others feel vulnerable or intimidated.
- Ask yourself why? Look inward. What does being hateful to others bring to you? Joy? Satisfaction? Power? Why? What are you missing in your own life that causes this need?
- Get help. We are fortunate to live in an era where mental health resources are readily available. Get help. Work through your own challenges. Strive to become a better person. This path will also bring you joy and satisfaction and power.
- Be brave. Apologize. Explain. Turn that corner.
Recently, there was a new entry into the conversation on causes of bullying that I find very much on point: Lack of Shame. This sounded harsh to me, at first, until I heard the message from a high school teacher (See Austin’s Words Here) who broke it down. Austin’s well-said point is that, until we start correcting bad behavior at the point of occurrence, bullying will not stop. For bystanders, that means speaking up immediately and, frankly, making the guilty party feel uncomfortable for their actions. Create shame. If there is no shame in the icky act, what motivation is there to stop repeating it?
I absolutely agree. I know there are many parents who agree–who aren’t shy with consequences when their kids present bad behavior. I also know there are many who shrug off bad behavior with a “kids will be kids” attitude. That can’t happen anymore. That reaction only allows mean kids to turn into mean tweens who turn into mean teenagers who turn into mean adults.
What’s more? Bullies aren’t just mean. They are also miserable.
None of us should want either (bullying or misery) for our children, our friends, our colleagues, or, really, anyone at all.
Did you know?
- 1 in 5 students under the age of 18 experience bullying.
- 160,000 children miss school daily due to the fear of bullying.
- Targets of bullying are 9 times more likely to consider suicide than non-targeted individuals.
- Cyberbullying is a significant factor in the mental health challenges of those under 18.