It is an early blog for next week, coming to you on Saturday rather than my standard Monday. Why? Because tomorrow is the very unofficial Stepmother’s Day. This is a piece pitched to the Huffington Post and while it hasn’t appeared on the site, I did still want to share. For all of those wonderful women who have taken on this crazy, chaotic role HAPPY STEPMOTHER’S DAY!!
The truth is, nobody dreams of marrying a man with an ex-wife and pre-made kids.
So started my deep dive into stepmomming–by doing just that. When the idea of becoming a stepmom first popped onto my radar it came with nervous excitement because, really, how hard could that be? I would get to experience all the good things that came with having a family yet skip all of the icky stuff like throw-up, carpools, or discipline.
I would play the role of the fun parent with “parent” firmly in quotes while the biological parents did all the real work.
I married late in life, at 42. I imagined how envious my friends would be when they saw me skipping long days roasting on the side of soccer fields or watched me cook meals for two on most days and enjoy dinners out on nights we were hosting the kids. I patted myself on the back for that delay in marriage as my kids came pre-made and with all the sleepless nights well behind us. Genius.
Just a few months after moving to my now-husband’s town to kick off my tenure as a very part-time parent, I was thrown headfirst into full-time momming after my stepkids’ biomom had a bit of an adulting implosion. This would be the first of many implosions but the only one that sent my husband scrambling for an emergency change in custody which placed the kids in our care 100% of the time.
All the time. Forever.
Because I am, at heart, a writer, I am also a researcher and my first stop after the judge’s gavel hit the desk was at the library to pick up whatever piles of books were available on being the best stepmother ever. How many books was that? Zero. ZERO. It seemed that resources for stepmoms were slim…as in…none. A decade later, I understand why. With the majority of blended families coming apart at the seams almost as soon as the ink on the marriage license is dry, women who may have dabbled in documenting their path were already grieving the quick end of their instant family.
When I finally came across Wednesday Martins’ book “Stepmonster” in 2018, I read the included statistics over and over and over. The majority of marriages involving children from a previous marriage fail within the first five years. For those that make it past that point, success skyrockets far beyond that of traditional marriages. I saw that five-year mark as a beacon. If I could just make it there, we would be fine. Just seventeen more months, just one more year, just five more months…
As we hit that magic wooden anniversary, I felt immediately lifted. We were going to be okay. Yes, there would still be some enormous hurdles to navigate, but we were going to make it. Martin’s book gave me the exact words that I needed to persevere just when I was searching for a lifeline but what about all the other stepmothers in our world? Where do they find their support? In a world where the population of traditional marriages is often less than the population of blended marriages, why are we still ignoring the blended family?
As we approach Mother’s Day, StepMothers everywhere are cringing as they face a day dedicated to celebrating biological mothers while the relationships we have with our shared children are quietly dismissed. There has been a long and very incorrect assumption that the role of StepMom is an easy one and that we aren’t really involved in parenting our stepchildren.
This could not be further from the truth.
Today’s reality calls on endless action from stepmothers. On a very basic level, packed calendars require as many taxi drivers as are available.
It was in the year 2000 that StepMother’s Day was first placed on calendars when a nine-year-old in Pennsylvania (Lizzie Capuzzi) suggested to her Senator (Rick Santorum) that StepMothers have their own celebratory moment. Santorum gave Lizzie full credit as he declared via the Congressional Record that the Sunday following Mother’s Day would indeed be StepMother’s Day. Hats off to all involved though Hallmark has yet to lean into StepMother’s Day offering just a sprinkle of poorly written cards dedicated to those women who have selflessly jumped into this role.
There are many who consider Stepmother’s Day a wasted Sunday. I suppose those same people feel StepMothers in general are completely unnecessary. Whether that is due to territory wards or insecurities or fear, it seems to cancel the idea that women arrive at the role of StepMother with nothing but the best of intentions.
Why do the majority of blended families fail within the first five years? Lack of support.
While that lack of support may not start with leaving StepMother’s Day as a whispered moment, it certainly does not help. Take today’s most common support center, social media. StepMother Support Groups are created and deleted by the minute as new StepMothers enthusiastically create hubs to feel seen at the exact moment seasoned StepMothers are deleting existing hubs in response to their own blended families falling apart. What’s left behind are footprints of failure and loss as suddenly a void replaces a much-relied on outlet.
The blended unit should be given priority status in all modes of familial support. The only thing worse for a child than divorce is a second divorce or a third divorce and so on. Of course children do not ask for divorce or new entries into their parenting tribe but that does not mean they aren’t affected. The damage done to their tiny (and still forming) brains is often not understood until years later. Abandonment issues, lack of trust, anger, anxiety…the list is long. The blended family should be protected at all costs to halt that emotional merry-go-round as quickly as possible.
Give credit to those women who happily enter via the deep end as they jump into families formed in the years before their arrival. Lift those women up even as they adjust to a role that is far more difficult than anticipated because, frankly, nobody really wants a StepMother.
Allow them to proudly proclaim their successes without the worry of the side eye or worse.
Oh, so you’re just a stepmom. Oh, so they aren’t your real kids.
Shout it from the rafters.
Yes, I am a StepMom.
Yes, these are my real kids.
This year, on StepMother’s Day, look around. We are everywhere and we are changing lives.