I have a new dirty little secret. Secret? Maybe not so much a secret as I often share tales of this new habit with my husband. Guilty pleasure? That’s better, yes.
I have a new guilty pleasure: I’m a voyeur in my child’s university Facebook group.
For those who haven’t experienced the empty nest yet, most colleges and universities have Facebook groups for parents that allow those parents to grab intel to, presumably, ease their children into their next station in life. I suppose these groups also serve as a step-down program for those parents struggling with the loss of front-row control in their child’s life.
There are, after all, few people less communicative than a child who is spreading their wings.
This is the third such group I have joined but the first I have enjoyed or found useful. Big kudos to those moderating the group but also big kudos for the true family atmosphere that those who join it have fostered. Parents are active, helpful, and friendly. There is never a shortage of information and it seems that at least half of the participants are also alumni. This is probably where I should name the university where my youngest is currently holed up, but…well, I’ll think about it.
I was most impressed, throughout the fall semester, by how most members of the group approached their children’s college experience with a hands-off approach. Yes. These were my people.
And then . . . winter break arrived.
My student came home a mess and is not looking forward to going back. Could they go down to two classes and still attend?
It seemed as though as soon as the last dorm was locked for the season, the Facebook group exploded with now anonymous posts. This was a change from my first five months in the group when names were shared generously. I find anonymous posts annoying if I’m being honest. I also find that the majority of anonymous posts are probably anonymous because Why would you even ask that?? It seemed that as the students arrived home for the holidays, many parents lost their Easy Breezy Hands-Off Parent card..
The most popular topics? Failed classes, grades that parents were not happy with, roommate situations, and winter weather.
My student has been applying for internships for years and still has not gotten anything. I’m nervous they will have nothing on their resume that relates to his major at graduation.
This is my second college kid so maybe I’ve just perfected the shrug-off. I have no interest in tracking down answers for my child to improve a grade. I have no energy to mediate with the parent of a roommate that my child doesn’t like. I do not need to know the name of the dean of my child’s major. Sure, he’d have to declare a major first but that’s his job, not mine.
Whether your student wants it or not, send them off with the biggest, warmest parka you can find in your house. Hat. Gloves. Hand warmers. Waterproof boots.
As we are all prepping to shuttle our students back to campus this weekend, wintry weather is also heading that way. I am blown away by the panicked concern of parents. I’ve seen posts demanding that the dorms be opened at least a day early or, that they remain closed for at least a few more days. I’ve seen posts requesting the parameters for canceling classes due to weather. I’ve seen posts frantically urging parents to beef up their child’s cold-weather wear (as if that new coat won’t live on the closet floor until summer).
It’s a lot. It’s unnecessary. It’s not new.
Are there any active Catholic Churches in the area that we could send our student to?
When my husband started at the Virginia Military Institute, it took less than a week for his mother to call the general to ask that the boys be given more time to eat. Yes, she thought the pace of her child’s mealtime was so important that she called the army to explain this. This did not go over well. For months, she also rented a room just down the road from VMI every weekend so that she’d be nearby should her son opt-out. He remained.
We are having trouble finding a German course that fits into our student’s schedule. As a result, we are growing increasingly anxious about meeting requirements.
While I really, really, really have wanted to reply to some of those wackadoodle parent posts, I have refrained. What would I say? Well, something to the turn of, “Take a back seat, friend. Your child doesn’t need your help any more than mine needs mine.”
My student feels marginalized because they are much more conservative and do not enjoy all the partying.
Long ago, we were advised by a grade-school counselor to lob a question to our youngest whenever he asked us to solve a solvable issue. You see, this was his pattern–ask us to do the things that he just didn’t feel motivated to do himself. We saw it as lazy and his counselor saw it as genius. If we kept completing those easy tasks, why wouldn’t he just keep shifting responsibility our way?
She urged us to simply ask, ”What could you do?” Or, “What should you do?”
In other words, put the onus back on our child so that he could begin developing those essential problem-solving skills. I think that’s a skill lacking in many of our baby adults and I think it’s because swooping in has been a common theme among parents.
Now? As the widely respected Esla, Princess of Arundel once said, we’ve got to let it go.
We are not here to fix grades. We are not here to resolve roommate issues. We are not here to demand the inclusion of a hat or gloves in the daily fit check. We are certainly not here to make contact with professors or deans or the cafeteria manager or the residence hall advisor.
We are only here to serve as a safety net should all of our student’s efforts ultimately fail.
The biggest compliment your child can give you, after all, is in not asking for your help.
The biggest compliment to your parenting skills is learning that your child did have a problem and that they solved it themselves . . . because you gave them the space to do so.