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We are just weeks away from dropping our youngest child off to college and the ease with which I am approaching this milestone shocks me. Shouldn’t I be freaking out by now? Shouldn’t I be chasing down that child with nagging questions that start with “Why haven’t you…” and end with “...YET!?!?”
I am not.
Instead, I am completely (and blissfully) checked out. It’s not that I don’t have an interest in the ramp-up to that drop-off at the dorm. It’s that I’ve done this before and I know that, in the end, everything will fall into place.
When our first child went off to college, I spent the months before move-in pouring over must-have items, monitoring benchmarks, and making sure every checklist was fully checked. I functioned as if missing a single item might derail a successful first year. I had a virtual shopping cart stuffed with items to create the perfect nest away from the nest–items that, in the end, were never even unpacked. This round? I have yet to add so much as a set of Twin XL sheets to my cart.
All good. We still have a few weeks.
Last week, we attended orientation. It was delightful to feel like a pro compared to those parents who were fumbling through the information onslaught. By mid-afternoon, it was easy to see which families had been through this before and which hadn’t as afternoon sessions were now devoid of the veterans. While the rookies wrapped up their day in lecture halls, the veterans were out perusing the bookstore, exploring on-campus restaurants, or enjoying a nap on the sun-soaked quad.
What would I tell those anxious parents experiencing that first round of college preparation?
It will all fall into place, eventually. It really will.
- You will want to linger at drop-off. Do not linger. You do not need to make the bed, hang the shower curtain, or fold clothes into drawers. Be brave and start the car. Do not reappear the following day for breakfast or to see how the room looks or for one last hug. Your child will start their new life the moment your turn to go–let them do this without delay.
- Park that helicopter. While you may have been at the ready to swoop in for any hiccup, issue, or crisis for the last decade, now it is time to hand the “fix-it” button over to your child. They are surrounded by people willing (and skilled) to help them access their adulting confidence. Encourage them to engage those people. When your child does call with a crisis, just listen. Your new role is that of a sounding board, not a solution master.
- Whatever method you’ve used to monitor grades can now be retired. While there are certainly mixed opinions on whether parents of college kids should have access to college grades, it is no longer your job to do a daily sweep of upcoming assignments or exams. Again, set expectations beforehand, such as once or twice a semester (and no more!).
- It doesn’t matter what time your child went to bed last night. When they’re tired, they will sleep. A sensible schedule will form on their time. It doesn’t matter if they showered this morning. It doesn’t matter if they haven’t seen a vegetable since they left home. These are all things they will figure out on their own and at their own pace.
- Laundry stays at school. Do not dedicate those rare visits home to clothes that have been living on a dorm floor for months. Do teach your child how to do laundry before packing.
- You will spend way more time thinking about your child than they spend thinking of you. There will be a lack of communication that will send your stomach for a loop. This is a good thing. This is a sign that your child is busy starting that life. Set expectations beforehand, such as a weekly call. Brace yourself for texts that are not answered or emails that are never seen. A balance will return but, again, on their time.
Have you already done it?
Have you dropped your college kid off?
Now the fun really begins.
Each time you see your child again, you will notice a change in them. Some you will like, some will have your jaw on the floor. Yes, college is about academia but, even more so, it is about discovering who you are and who you will be.
Each time you see your child, you will be inserted midway into those discoveries and it will happen over and over and over. It is exciting, exhilarating, and exhausting. Do your best to focus on the notes of increased maturity, confidence in decision-making, and enthusiasm that comes with real-life adulting experience.
Do your best to ignore the know-it-all phases, the push-back to longstanding house rules, or the insistence that behavior at home should match that of the dorm. Instead, quietly offer your child the comfort of a familiar nest that, after a few days, will be welcomed like a warm embrace.